Russian Threat To British Computers ‘Totally @~%^^^^^$>>!!!*’ According To Kremlin

News that the director general of MI5 has warned of an increasing Russian threat to UK security has been dismissed by the Kremlin’s ambassador to Dalston this morning.

His Excellency Vladislav Ivanovich Sputnik told the Mercury: ‘Mr Andrew Parker of MI5 is worthy opponent and most excellent spy, but country of United Kingdom is not to be fearing of friendly comrades in Soviet Union. I mean peaceful democratic parliamentary democracy of mother Russia.’

His Excellency was particularly emphatic that the Kremlin would never use its cyber warfare capabilities to infiltrate military and security servers or those of the British media in order to disseminate Russian propaganda.

In other news: 

Dalston pensioner celebrates 100th birthday.

Doris Lovely was surrounded by her fifteen grandchildren yesterday as she opened her congratulatory telegram from Imperial Harlot British Queen on reaching her 100th birthday.

Sipping a glass of champagne Doris put her great age down to a life of oppression under capitalist jackboot that only exist because heroic red army choke Nazi devil in own blood.

Daughters of Mrs Lovely sing patriotic hymn ‘Happy Birthday’ yesterday before resuming work at tractor factory

Her daughter Dorothy gave a toast, telling the happy party: ‘LoΠg live great PresideΠt Pμtin. Death tø America! CΓush Imperial eagle! SeΓfs throw øff chaiΠs!‘ before cutting the cake.

Last night’s football results:

Arsenal  1 – 0  Puny WesterΠ capitalist degenerates in Palace øf Crystals



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