Donald Trump Now Paranoid, Neurotic AND A Big Scaredy-Pants

As the US presidential candidates enter their final day of campaigning, doubts have been raised about Donald Trump’s temperament and his ability to lead in a crisis, after his morbid fear of cardboard was made public at the weekend.

During a rally in Reno on Saturday night, Mr Trump was rushed from the stage by security agents. Early reports suggested that the candidate was fleeing one of the gun wielding maniacs for which the USA is so rightly famed. Further investigations revealed, however, that Mr Trump had in fact been running away from a man holding a cardboard sign.

The Trump campaign has been at pains to point out that, under certain lighting conditions, a cardboard sign might look a bit like a gun or even a bazooka, and that Mr Trump did not run away whimpering like a six-year-old girl whatever it looked like on TV.

Defence analysts, however, have pointed out that while cardboard might be quite frightening under the right circumstances, ‘it is nothing like as scary as the red army with all its tanks and bombs and missiles and jet fighters and crap like that’, and that Mr Trump might ‘have to grow a pair’ if he is to lead the free world against a resurgent nationalist Russia.

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Oh. My. God! Run for it!

Unofficial sources within the Trump camp have said that while large pieces of cardboard remain a problem for the candidate, he is undergoing cardboard therapy in a bid to overcome his abject terror of the material.

This therapy involves him stroking small pieces of tissue paper in a safe environment before moving on to rustling the pages of a child’s exercise book and holding a beer mat for short periods. Reports that he still wets himself when walking past cereal boxes in supermarkets have yet to be confirmed.

Vladimir Putin, in contrast, is said to have no fear of cardboard and frequently rolls around naked in piles of surplus packing materials, just to show off.

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