Hour-By-Hour Guide To The Mercury’s Definitive US Election Night Coverage*

Americans go to the polls today to elect their 45th president. As usual, the Dalston Mercury will be broadcasting through the night to bring you all the results as they are called, with expert analysis from our North America correspondent, whose mum has said she’ll make hot dogs and put up little American flags and stuff.

Most of the US will have to wait for polling stations to close – typically between 19:00 EST (24:00 GMT) and 20:00 EST (01:00 GMT) – for state projections, but here are some key waypoints that will determine who will win the White House:

At 00:00 GMT polls close in the battlefield state of Virginatlantic where the incumbent, Richard Branson, is facing a battle to hold on to his beard.

At the same time, Georgia will declare. Nobody has any idea who she’s going to vote for because she’s a right moody cow and no-one likes to bring it up, apparently. Sweet Caroline is next, followed by the great state of Kentucky, where both chicken and coronary heart disease were invented.

typical-american
A typical American in national costume votes for Hilary by selecting a Clinton Burger at her local polling station (Trump is a bucket of Buffalo Wings and a Diet Sprite)

At 01:00 GMT we expect projected results from Mary Land (whoever she is), New Jumper, Rude Island, Tupperware, Concomitant, and DC, which is the same as Marvel only not as good.

The key battleground of Fluoride is next, followed by New Hampshire, a strange quirk of the American electoral college system giving residents of Basingstoke a vote in presidential elections.

After that come a load of fly-over states that always return a member of the Ku Klux Klan to Congress, so we can guess how they’re going to vote.

At 02:00 GMT come results from Taxes, Minestrone, both East and West Dakota, New Mexico, Old Mexico and Adolescent Jail-Bait Mexico.

By 04:00 results will be in from Oregano, Washington (which gets to vote twice under different names) and California, earthquakes and gurus allowing.

By breakfast time the Mercury hopes to be able to interview the winning candidate live on air or, failing that, we might read out Hilary’s email with the recipe for nuclear bombs on it that she sent us by accident when she was Secretary of State.

 

* This time we’re going to try really hard not to nod-off during Newsnight like when we were supposed to be covering the EU Referendum results. Sorry about that.

 

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