A group of traumatised Dalston campaigners is planning to sue democracy in the light of recent poll results.
‘I was never fortunate enough to be abused as a child,’ said the group’s leader Ms Valediction Omnipitens ‘but I know now exactly how it feels. And it’s all democracy’s fault.’
According to the campaign’s website, the election of Donald Trump yesterday ‘non-consensually grabbed the vaginas of we the undersigned – men, women and all other equally valid, differently gender-aligned persons – and stuck the tongue of global phallocentric econo-colonialism down our collective throat, with only the Tic Tac of media complicity to disguise the gingivitis of evil.’
‘I mean, I was already on my eighth therapist since the Brexit vote,’ said Ms Omnipitens, ‘and then that heartless bastard democracy goes and does this to me. It is a violation of everything I believe in. Which is mainly getting my own way all the time.’
Campaigners are currently trying to find out where democracy lives so they can stand outside his house and burn effigies of people they don’t like to absolutely no purpose whatsoever.
The Dalston Mercury 
Hi – I used to live in Dalston, London in the 80s when it was a poverty-stricken area. The poor were pushed out to make way for the wealthy bright young things.
But Democracy is freedom and stops slavery. It stops riots and violence. It is why I voted Brexit. I am old but not ignorant, proud of my country but not racist, a realist who embraces the future and not a right-winger.
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