England v Scotland Match Threatens Mental Health Of The Nation / Cheers Up French No End

English and Scottish football fans are lobbying ITV today in an attempt to persuade the broadcaster to widen its coverage of tonight’s World Cup qualifiers.

‘I mean,’ said one fan, ‘in these days of internationalism and growing global markets, is it really necessary to show the England v Scotland game at all?’

‘France v Sweden might be good,’ he went on, ‘or Northern Ireland v Azerbaijan; that could be a classic.’

‘We supporters feel that it’s just a bit parochial and old fashioned to focus so much attention on our own teams when we could be watching, for example, plucky Malta taking on the might of Slovenia. Or Armenia v Montenegro. Or anything that isn’t England v Scotland. Please.’

A spokesman for ITV said that in order to avoid damaging the morale of the nation the Prime Minister has requested they broadcast a picture of some pot plants instead of the game. The spokesman said they were seriously considering it.

The English back four limber-up at Wembley yesterday

Breaking news:  One of the pot plants has just signed for Arbroath and is expected to be on the bench for Scotland tonight.

In other news:  The financial markets are braced for major losses on the FTSE tomorrow when the prestige of the UK and everything in it plummets after the entire world is reminded tonight of how utterly useless we are at football.



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