It has emerged this morning that Jeremy Clarkson was barred from a UK-bound flight not because of a Top Gear special deemed offensive in Argentina, but because he is almost certain to accept a key role in Donald Trump’s cabinet.
‘It stands to reason, doesn’t it,’ one Trump insider told the Mercury, ‘I mean, Donald has had absolutely no luck in attracting respectable politicians to his team – because respectable politicians are, to a man, loathsome pinko commie fags – so Jeremy would be an obvious contender for a major position.’
Apparently Mr Clarkson’s refreshing refusal to conform to politically correct norms in areas such as racist humour, violence against the person and marital fidelity has warmly recommended him to the president-elect.
‘But it is his instinctive and God-given talent for pissing-off the Spanish-speaking nations of the Americas that most attracts Donald,’ said our source, ‘that and the fact that the president will now only have the second-worst hair around the table.’
In other news: TV presenter Chris Evans has been seen by multiple witnesses trying to punch Irishmen carrying plates of cold meat. This is believed to be part of a desperate attempt by Mr Evans to revive his flagging career but, so far, has only succeeded in getting him barred from Ryanair and beaten up behind a butcher’s in Kentish Town.