Celebrations greeting today’s news that Premier League ticket prices have fallen this year were tempered by more bad news for West Ham United.
The Price of Football, the biggest study of its kind in Europe, looked at prices at 223 clubs and found that more than two thirds of ticket prices across the UK have been either cut or frozen for the 2016-17 season.
However, West Ham – a team so universally loved that every single London tax payer has volunteered to subsidise them – were found to offer the nation’s most expensive pie, at a whopping £4.10. Each!
Critics of the club have pointed out that being given a bloody big stadium at the public’s expense might have allowed leeway to subsidise pies and even Bovril. But a spokesman for the club told the Mercury: ‘On the contrary; charging this eye-watering sum for pies represents an important service to our fans.’
‘By the time the poor suckers have recovered from the shock of being so shamelessly fleeced the match is almost over and they’ve avoided exposure to the execrable football we’ve been playing this season.’
‘And in any case,’ he went on, ‘our pies are now made from only the choicest cuts of cat.’
The spokesman – who like all West Ham fans is a second-hand car dealer from Dagenham – also pointed out that the club has laid on other welcoming distractions to draw the eye from the field of play.
Among these are cage-fighting type punch-ups which are staged at regular intervals during each home game alongside demonstrations of traditional 1980s skills such as seat-throwing and steward-baiting.
These have proved so popular that hundreds of young fans are often seen being lead away from the stadium crying and bleeding with delight.
We were going to ask Sebastian Coe and Boris Johnson exactly how this all played into their vision for an Olympic legacy; but then we remembered they’re a couple of self-serving slimy tosspots and that this is all their fault.