Buckingham Palace is to undergo a 10-year refurbishment costing the taxpayer £369m, the Treasury has announced, but the cost in human lives is already being condemned by workers and their families.
Mrs Kat Gravel’s husband Tommy-Boy was one of eighteen scaffolders who lost their lives this week during induction courses intended to prepare them for work at the palace.
‘It was just frigging inhuman what they was asking them poor boys to do,’ said Mrs Gravel of Dalston’s Clement Attlee Estate.
‘The first three days wasn’t too bad. It was mainly just teaching them to keep their arse cracks covered up at all times – even when bending over. But towards the end of the week they started on the psychological cruelty that sent my Tommy over the edge.’
A spokesman for the palace told the Mercury that, in order to maintain an aura of quiet dignity around the royal residence, the course was aimed at limiting the number of loud expletives uttered per scaffolder to ‘three or four a minute’ .
‘Which is just f****** mad!’ said Mrs Gravel. ‘Every f****** f******* knows that a scaffolder has to either f****** swear, break wind or direct unwelcome f******* sexual invective toward passing women twelve to f******* fifteen times a minute or his bollocks will blow up. Every f****** single f****** in the f****** world know it. For f***’s sake!’
Mr Gravel’s testicles exploded with fatal consequences on Friday morning, along with those of seventeen colleagues.
All of the deceased were scaffolders, although a number of plasterers and a minibus full of roofers experienced ‘potentially life-threatening burns and lacerations to the scrotal region’ after being asked to turn their radios down a bit.