Eminent musicologists are hopeful this morning that pop music is about to kill itself and that the human race might, with luck, be spared any more of it.
It is a scientifically established fact that no good pop music has been recorded since 1988 and experts fear that the decline in quality will continue at such a pace that soon exposure to 30 seconds of Kiss FM will prove fatal to all but the profoundly deaf. It’s enough to make you throw up as it is.
However, there are positive signs that pop music is attempting to commit suicide by degrees.
Recent walk-offs during concerts by Justin Bieber and now Kanye West suggest that music stars, suddenly aware of their own risible lack of talent, have begun to sabotage their livelihoods by airing personal philosophies and political views so weird, incoherent and utterly repellent that their careers will subsequently suffer a terminal decline.
Kanye West – whose distinctive musical métier is best described as ‘ruining other people’s songs by talking over them’ – went completely Tonto on stage in Sacramento on Saturday. ‘Short of howling at the moon and pissing up the legs of strangers it’s hard to see how he could damage his prospects much further’, said one hopeful music lover today.
Rumours that Taylor Swift has joined the Ku Klux Klan and is planning to engage in sordid pornographic acts with Nigel Farage for her latest video have been welcomed by music experts as further evidence that pop music has finally had the good taste to go down the hara-kiri route. Thank Christ.
Also, decent people everywhere are trying to persuade Craig David to jump off a cliff.
We know – people have been doing that for 20 years. Still, never give up, eh?