Tories Discover Sex / Ban It Same Day

Both ordinary web users and filthy perverts will be banned from accessing websites portraying a range of ‘non-conventional sexual acts’, under a little discussed clause to a government bill currently going through the UK parliament.

Anti-censorship groups have questioned how the government intends to define ‘non-conventional’. Most Tory MPs appear to be confused about the ‘sexual acts’ bit as well (except the ones who are at it all the time, obviously).

Among the ‘acts’ that will no longer be available for the viewing pleasure of the UK public will be ‘anything icky’, ‘yucky stuff’, ‘doing rudies to front-bottoms’ and ‘any other assorted beastliness the lower orders might get up to’.

Banned! Interracial bi foursome food fetish filth! Stop looking at it! By order of HM Government! God KNOWS where those tomatoes are going to end up…

Libertarian activists and sadistic deviants joined forces yesterday to demand further clarity on exactly which debased activities we will no longer be able to watch from the comfort of our own homes / dungeons.

‘Look,’ said an increasingly frustrated Downing Street spokesman, ‘it’s really very simple: if Theresa May doesn’t do it, it’s bloody banned, all right?

‘Even if she used to do it but has gone off it, it’s still banned, yeah?

‘So you can forget about troilism with bi-sexual dwarves. She’s so over that. And gimp fisting.’

We asked whether Jacob Rees Mogg MP could add clarity to the government’s position, but apparently neither he nor his wife are quite sure what the internet is. Also they have absolutely no idea where their children came from. ‘Possibly Fortnum & Mason’, mused a perplexed Mr Rees Mogg.


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