Black Friday In Dalston – Body Count Mounts

Inspired by something Americans do, retailers in Dalston have behaved in a predictably bovine fashion by slavishly copying it for no good reason at all.

‘Yeah,’ said the head of the Dalston Chamber of Commerce Mr Reg Poundland, ‘obviously the day after Thanksgiving has always been a major landmark in the British retailing year. Just like the 4th July and the first day of the NFL college draft. Er…’

Dalston this morning. We think

Mr Poundland – who for some reason refuses to wear white shoes after Labour Day – predicts that a flood of bargain hunters will descend on Dalston’s most glamorous retail establishments this morning.

‘We’re expecting major punch-ups in Matalan,’ he said, ‘where they’re having a special on Haribo family packs. And Sainsbury’s will be mental. Peacock’s too.’

The proprietor of the Dalston Mega 89p Store, Mr Raj Mahal, is also entering into the spirit of Black Friday.

‘We’re not having a sale or anything,’ said Mr Mahal, ‘everything’s already 89p for God’s sake.

‘But we have paid 13 heavily tattooed fat women to fight over a giant TV in the doorway.

‘Nothing says ‘America’ like some morbidly obese mouth-breathers beating the crap out of each other over something they don’t really need.’

Mr Mahal hopes the day will end in a traditional American shoot-out followed by a Black Lives Matter protest.

And possibly some S’mores. If anyone can find out what a S’more is.

In conclusion: happy holidays! Let’s all watch NASCAR!



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