After Green Party presidential candidate Jill Stein filed for vote recounts in Wisconsin, Michigan and Pennsylvania, a shock new winner of the presidential election is set to be announced next week.
‘Naturally I am honoured to have been elected President of the United States,’ said Vladimir Putin this morning, ‘and yet, at the same time, I remain utterly contemptuous of my new subjects and wish them death.’
Mr Putin, it turns out, won a surprising 103% of all electronic votes cast in the election.
He has made it clear he is prepared to put details of his personal finances in the public domain along with the birth certificate that proves he was born in Hawaii. Or Alaska if preferred.
He also said that anyone disputing his right to rule ‘for eternity’ will be put against a wall and shot like a dog.
A majority of Republican congressmen and every single Democrat in the country has welcomed the unexpected result of the recount as being preferable to the original one: ‘But then, what isn’t?’ said Paul Ryan, Speaker of the House of Representatives.
Apparently, Nigel Farage is up Mr Putin’s arse even as we speak.