As voters go to the polls in today’s Richmond Park by-election, community and church groups are leading prayers in the hope that the hellish cycle of deprivation and violence in the constituency may finally be broken.
The Archbishop of Richmond and Kew appeared at one of many candle-lit vigils being held today by desperate residents and spoke for everyone when he said: ‘Oh Lord in your wisdom and your mercy, deliver we wretched millionaires and beneficiaries of generous trust funds from this midden of despair, this charnel house of broken dreams in which we suffer through benighted lives of toil and brunch.’
Among the crushing blows suffered recently by Richmond residents (or ‘the Aleppo of the West’, as it has become known) have been crippling shortages of domestic staff so severe that people have been reduced to hiring Filipinos instead of their preferred Irish coachmen and characterful West Country downstairs maids.
It was reported last week that the lack of serfs available in the borough meant that three of the deer that roam Richmond Park went completely unpolished for three weeks last month. Several dowager duchesses were hospitalised with ‘vapours’ on being given the news.
It is hoped by residents that a suitably aristocratic MP may remedy the town’s ills and have Heathrow Airport moved to Wales while he’s at it.