Cincinnati, Ohio: Doctors concerned about the health of president-elect Donald Trump have diagnosed his condition as Narcissistic Campaign Speech Tourette’s Syndrome. The rare condition became apparent after Mr Trump, having already secured the presidency, could not shut his damn yap and insisted on continuing to make pointless and divisive speeches to braying crowds instead of getting on with some bloody work.
Richmond Park, London: Almost lost among Liberal Democrat victory celebrations following their triumph in yesterday’s parliamentary by-election was a smaller but no less ecstatic gathering of Labour Party supporters toasting their candidate’s performance. Despite coming a distant third and losing his deposit, Labour’s Christian Wolmar polled 1,515 votes, which is exactly 1,514 more than the number of Labour supporters believed to be resident in the Richmond area once Seumas Milne has been taken into account. Jeremy Corbyn is expected to make a dull speech claiming this result marks a turning point in the party’s fortunes / a return to electoral relevance / whatever.
Woloomalawongaloomabooga, Australia: The developer of the new £5 polymer bank-note has said that British vegan’s protest about ‘trivial’ quantities of animal fat contained in the notes is ‘stupid’, but not as stupid as refusing to eat meat. Refusing to eat meat is still illegal in Australia and punishable by being called a fairy.