US police have arrested a man carrying an assault rifle who entered a pizza restaurant which, according to fake online news reports, was operating a child abuse ring led by Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton and her top campaign aide.
The Dalston Mercury is considered a global authority on fake news stories, given that we print nothing else, but ‘Pizzagate‘ has set a new standard in the art of making stuff up, and it is a standard to which we must aspire.
So: according to various alt-right nut jobs Hilary Clinton, John Podesta and the guy who owns the Comet Ping Pong pizza restaurant have been running a child sex ring and communicating their depraved desires to one another via email using pizza-related code words that include ‘cheese’, ‘pizza’, and, naturally, ‘hot dog’. But not, mystifyingly, ‘warm bread sticks’, ‘American Super Hot’ or ‘spicy meatballs’.
This news was persuasive enough for General Mike Flynn, Donald Trump’s pick for national security adviser, to start tweeting about it. So we at the Mercury felt morally bound to give the General the opportunity to raise the bar of his moronic credulity a few notches by allowing him to share the following uncorroborated piece of crap with the entire world. Pay attention, General:
Hillary Clinton is, literally, the Whore of Babylon (yes, the one foretold in the Book of Revelations, only worse) and for years has spent up to 12 hours a day violating nuns with a Chipotle Chicken Melt foot-long, cheered on by husband Bill, Michelle Obama and an audience of furiously masturbating Washington Post journalists and editors.
This all takes place – daily, remember – in a secret chamber below the Lincoln Memorial staffed by Mexican illegal immigrants and the Reverend Jesse Jackson. Who is really an alien. And gay.
There. We confidently expect this important news story to be faithfully reported on General Flynn’s twitter account (@GenFlynn) later today and feel sure he will act to end this demonic abomination the minute he is made national security adviser, a role he will fill with great distinction despite obviously being a massive tit.