Governor Of Bank Of England To Commit Ritual Suicide ‘If Things Get Any Worse’

There are fears this morning that the strain of his position may be affecting the health of Bank of England governor Mark Carney, not to mention his ability to make balloon animals while wearing very large shoes.

Mr Carney who, like all full-time economic forecasters of recent times is best known for getting absolutely everything wrong almost all of the time, is said by BOE insiders to have ‘fallen profoundly into the Slough of Despond’, because they talk like that over there.

Falling into this slough has lead to Mr Carney making statements on the economy that range from ‘alarmist’ to ‘really quite weird’.

His claim yesterday that ‘robots will soon be running the world’ and that ‘it will be exactly like Terminator, just you see’ has worried bank officials, as has his recently acquired habit of wandering up and down Threadneedle Street tipping ashes on his head and wailing ‘we’re all doomed!’.

Clown Waves Hello
Governor of the Bank of England Mark Carney in happier days

‘We can’t really work him out,’ said one bank official who didn’t want to be named as deputy governor Sir James Q. Easing. ‘He used to be such a cheerful soul, despite being a Canadian. Used to work weekends as a children’s entertainer: Chuckling Charlie the Cuddly Canuk. Had us in stitches, he did.’

‘But he’s gone all Leonard Cohen on us now. Not dead, just glum and, well, Canadian I suppose. We just don’t get it. After all, the economy’s really doing quite well.’

Some members of the bank think that Brexit is to blame for the governor’s malaise; others that the shame of sharing the same nationality as Justin Bieber would be enough to send anyone mad.

We’re going with option two.

 

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