The recent trend among British consumers to reject traditional biscuits in favour of inedible American and ‘healthy’ alternatives is to blame for all the ills in the world according to new research.
In a yet-to-be published report Dr Keith Garibaldi, Professor of Food Anthropology at prestigious Dalston University, has linked the increased popularity of Oreos directly to the rise of Donald Trump.
‘As everyone knows, a temporary decline in sales of the Rich Tea biscuit was a direct precursor of the Suez Crisis in 1956,’ said Dr Garibaldi today, ‘and it was the dearth of Ginger Nuts in the late 1960s – due to the great Indonesian ginger blight of that period – that lead to the rise of such abominations as feminism and homosexuality. So the Trump / Oreo Causality, as we call it, is manifestly proven in our view.’
We tried to ask Dr Garibaldi why he was wearing a tinfoil hat, but he ignored us, continuing: ‘The England football team lived on an almost exclusive diet of beer, Benson & Hedges untipped and, most importantly, Custard Creams until 1967.
‘The Beer and cigarettes remain an important part of their diet, obviously, but a puritanical nutritional regime has removed the biscuit element from their daily intake. Result: Iceland. And routine humiliation ever since.’
As we edged toward the door Dr Garibaldi, now brandishing a family pack of Hob Nobs in a lascivious manner, invited us to guess which kind of baked goods were most popular among members of Islamic State.
We guessed Jaffa Cakes but this enraged the professor to such a degree that security were called and the interview was terminated. But apparently it’s Wagon Wheels.