Police were called to yesterday evening’s infant nativity play at Dalston’s Our Lady of the Immaculate Cleavage Roman Catholic Primary School. It is the fourth consecutive year that armed officers have attended the event; those we asked said this year’s singing was nice but the choreography wasn’t a patch on 2014.
Enraged audience members set alight the school hall, and teachers were forced to take shelter in the cellar of a local pub after the event descended into its now traditional orgy of festive bloodletting.
A spirited discussion among parents about the relative merits of Brexit saw the first hospitalisation of the evening before the mulled wine had even achieved the status of ‘tepid’.
A late change to the cast that saw an inarticulate child demoted from ‘wise man’ to ‘sheep’ came at exactly the wrong moment for the child’s mother who had spent the previous two hours stuck in the Dartford Tunnel after an exceptionally trying day at the nail salon. A PE teacher was heavily maced during the ensuing fracas which did his asthma no good at all. His bollocks did not survive unscathed, either.
An organised protest by Italian parents against the alleged demonisation of Roman census takers in the play was infiltrated by secularist parents waving pictures of Richard Dawkins and chanting something about Vatican cover-ups and choirboys. A local priest was forcibly defrocked behind the bike shed and left to find his own way to hospital.
The performance of the play itself was interrupted by derisive heckling from parents whose children had not been given speaking parts. And when, at the conclusion of the show, the mince pies were judged by general consensus to be ‘disappointing’, nothing could be done to prevent the mob torching the junior library. From there flames spread rapidly to the rest of the school and to the school cat.
A police spokesman described the evening’s events as ‘regrettable’ but ‘a bloody sight better than last year’.
In the light of yesterday’s tragic events, staff at the school are undecided whether to proceed with Year Three’s planned Easter show, a new musical adaptation of The Last Temptation of Christ featuring Peppa Pig as Mary Magdalene.