Russia and FIFA – Marriage Plans Expected Soon. Donald Trump To Be Bridesmaid

FIFA, word football’s governing body, this morning responded to allegations of Russia’s ‘unprecedented’ state-sponsored doping of Olympic athletes and to news that the Kremlin won the US election for Donald Trump by cheating.

‘These are our kind of people,’ a FIFA official told the Mercury today, ‘exactly the kind of regime we can do business with.

‘We’re seriously considering staging every future World Cup in Russia from now on. Except the one scheduled for Qatar, obviously. We’ve already spent the bung from that one.’

Russian anti-doping officials reassure the world that the country is now drug-free, democratic, incorruptible and utterly without blemish

The official – who didn’t want to be named because, like all his colleagues, he is currently on the run from Interpol  – then asked us if we fancied staging a European Championships in our back garden (to be confirmed on receipt of a small down-payment in unmarked bills) before disappearing to his lock-up to shift some hooky iPhones to a bloke he knows.

President Putin, meanwhile, is said to be taking bets that he can urinate up Theresa May’s leg live on TV, rub Angela Merkel’s face in it, invade Estonia and still get to stage the 2018 World Cup.

So far, absolutely no-one is betting against him.


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