EU To Force-Feed Squid To British In Revenge For Brexit

A Dalston resident and well-known Brexit campaigner has been arrested after biting several Spanish tourists following the release of a report from government scientists today.

According to research led by Dr John Pinnegar of Cefas, the Centre for Environment, Fisheries and Aquaculture Science, the traditional British fish supper of battered cod may be replaced by squid and other species more usually associated with a Mediterranean diet such as anchovies and sardines as water temperatures around the UK rise.

Earlier this morning Mrs Queenie Calhoun, Dalston head of the IfUK (Independence for the UK) campaign, was dragged off the badly chewed body of a Madrid quantity surveyor by police officers in full riot gear.

A severely masticated optometrist from Santiago de Compostela was also found nearby and taken to hospital, as was Mr Clive Ludlow of Hackney Wick whose recent fortnight in Maspalomas had burdened him with a dangerously swarthy appearance. He lost two fingers in Mrs Calhoun’s attack.

squid
‘Tuck in, or else’ – Jean-Claude Junker

‘She just went berserk,’ said one witness who was too scared to remember his name, ‘one minute she was reading the popular commercial fisheries column of the Daily Mail, the next she was attacking anyone of an even vaguely Iberian appearance.

‘Her mouth was too full of screaming Spaniard for her to be totally comprehensible, but I did make out something about polenta and how it compared badly to mushy peas. I think she might have ironically suggested an equivalence between chorizo and saveloys too, but it was hard to tell, what with all the begging and the tasering and whatnot.’

Relatives of Mrs Calhoun have told the Mercury that the prospect of a soft Brexit had been weighing heavily on her mind for some time, and the news that we were all going to be forced to eat squid and chips from now on might have pushed her over the edge. Also she can’t stand Michael Portillo. Or that beer with bits of lemon stuck in the top.

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