Theresa May’s Legs ‘Holding The Country Together’

In what the world hopes will be the final word on the ‘trousergate’ furore Tory MP Nicky Morgan has pulled out of a planned appearance on Have I Got News for You, presumably because she has nothing to wear.

Noted Primark enthusiast Ms Morgan, who famously knitted her own wedding dress from noodles she found in a skip, had criticised Prime Minister Theresa May for being photographed in a pair of leather trousers that allegedly cost more than the Gulf War.

However, news emerging from the office of foreign secretary Boris Johnson has revealed that the controversial prime ministerial legwear is not, as widely believed, the result of a drunken impulse purchase in a Soho basement.

Rather, Mrs May’s trousers are part of a leather / rubber wipe-clean all-in-one ensemble that is essential to the security of the nation.

‘Yeah,’ said a spokesman for the foreign office, ‘Theresa uses her skin-tight rubber onesie to keep errant ministers in check. Everyone knows that.

Jeremy Hunt is invited to No 10 for a frank discussion on NHS reform

‘For example: the PM has spent hours in her gear this week straddling Boris; constricting his breathing with her expensive and arousingly fascistic thighs until he agreed to shut the hell up about Saudi Arabia.

‘That suit has saved the country millions and probably averted war. I’m not sure the enormous butt plug was necessary, but still, her methods get results.’

David Davis and Liam Fox have also ‘suffered’ under Mrs May’s Gestapo-chic disciplinary regime; during a severe dressing down by the PM on Tuesday Dr Fox had to be resuscitated twice by paramedics but was still begging for her to do it again, according to semi-tumescent witnesses.


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