The announcement that all new police officers in England and Wales will have to be educated to degree level from 2020 has been received by Dalston police chiefs with dismay and a very shouty session down the pub.
Borough Commander Derek Slipper – whose Facebook profile says he graduated from the University of Hard Knocks with a ‘First-Class Degree in Twatting Villains and Nonces’ – believes the new recruitment rules may prove divisive.
‘Jesus wept!’ he told the Mercury over an early morning pint, ‘Look, at the moment we have a force comprised of dedicated professional men – plus the odd bird to fill up the ‘quotas’ – who have devoted their lives to clearing the streets of scum and foreigners (and foreign scum) by any means necessary.
‘The last thing we need is an influx of middle class benders with degrees in contemporary dance, filling-in reports with their fancy joined-up writing and knowing how to use computers, and that.’
Commander Slipper claims that, because his men spend 50% of every working day ‘beating the crap out of students and former students who have become smart-arsed hipsters like what students do’ a climate of mutual suspicion may develop between new recruits and experienced officers.
‘I mean,’ he said, ‘you wouldn’t want to get in the shower with one after a game of squash, would you?
‘And could you trust one to hold a bung for you? Or stay schtum during a Home Office investigation? Not after they’ve had their heads filled with all that ‘integrity’ cobblers they’re so bloody keen on at university these days.’
‘And what about the masons? I couldn’t take some fairy with a certificate in media studies to the lodge, could I? The lads’d have my bollocks.’
Commander Slipper – who admits to not having actually read the report from the College of Policing – further cautions his superiors that ‘many, if not all students these days are either ethnics or transvestites and are, therefore, banned by law from becoming policemen. At least, they are around my manor’.