Labour MPs have reacted with scepticism this morning to plans aimed at relaunching Jeremy Corbyn on a British public that has, to be frank, already suffered enough.
In a novel move Mr Corbyn is to be re-branded as a left-wing populist despite being exceptionally unpopular, especially with members of his own party.
‘We offered to relaunch him ages ago,’ said one Labour MP who didn’t want to be named, ‘we offered to relaunch him as ambassador to North Korea, trade envoy to Ulan Bator, you name it. Anything but leader of the Labour party in fact, but the sod wasn’t having it.’
More worryingly for the party, as part of the re-branding exercise Mr Corbyn plans to appear more often on television.
‘It’s madness,’ said the MP, ‘our poll ratings drop two points every time he’s seen in public. He got on a bus the other day and we lost the support of the West Midlands.
‘If we keep him in a box between now and the general election we might have half a chance of finishing fifth behind the Greens. But it’ll have to be a very big box. A very big box at the bottom of the sea.’
Mr Corbyn is also planning to lead opposition to vested interests, despite being the nation’s best known exponent of vests.
The parliamentary Labour party has put forward an alternate plan in which Mr Corbyn will be relaunched either as a Hillary Clinton lookalike at a Wyoming rifle range or as a particularly lewd transvestite stripper performing outside the Kremlin during next year’s May Day parade.