Obama ‘Goes Medieval On Putin’s Ass’ – The News In Brief

Washington DC, America:  US president Barack Obama responded with fury last night to Russia’s email hacking during last month’s presidential election campaign.

He told reporters that the threat to western democracy from Russia was so great, so fundamentally existential, that he had told Vladimir Putin to ‘cut it out’, ‘stop being so naughty’ and ‘wait till you father gets home’.

The visibly enraged president promised a ‘proportional’ response to the hacking of Democratic Party computers. Sanctions may include earlier bedtimes and a ban on sleepovers.

Awesome figure of vengeance Barack Obama yesterday

Dalston, Here:  A lavish celebrity wake launched Dalston’s latest hipster start-up yesterday evening. A new Kingsland Road funeral directors aimed at ironic young professionals announced itself to terminally ill fashionable people with vegan canapes and hand-knitted craft beers.

Company director Jonty Wicker-Kasket told the Mercury: ‘We agonised over the name of the company for some time. It’s important to strike the right tone of course, but we eventually settled on Totally F*cked because that kinda says it all, yeah?’

In order to appeal to really depressed mourners and witless millennials the new company also operates under the name sad-face emoji, skull-and-crossbones emoji, crying-face emoji, life insurance emoji, happy-face emoji.

In Tomorrow’s Sunday Mercury:

Special Report. Soccer sex scandal – the forgotten victims. The hidden trauma of footballers too ugly to have been abused as children. Exclusive Phil Neville interview on page 2.



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