Christmas In Dalston – This Year Almost Certainly Better Than Christmas In Yemen

With the festive season in full swing the Mercury brings you the ultimate guide to Dalston’s cultural Christmas highlights!

Pantomime:  Don’t miss Mother Geese by Dalston Feminist Workshop Theatre, a festive four-hour extravaganza of extemporised post-modern dance, political poetry and illustrated lectures set amid the ruins of Aleppo, because that’s what you get when men run the world. It says here. Effigy of Donald Trump to be burned at conclusion of every performance. Suitable for ages four-to-80. No bras will be admitted to the auditorium. Or men.

dancers
Mother Goose and her sisters-in-struggle reject the oppressive phallocentric model of contemporary post-colonial society. Or something

Christmas Lunch:  The Lambent Whelk public house will be open on Christmas day, serving a lavish festive meal of roast turkey with all the trimmings, locally brewed craft ales and performances of traditional wassailing for residents too fashionable and ironic to travel home to the provincial hell-holes in which they were brought up. Highlights of the day will include pitilessly sardonic deconstructions of the Queen’s speech and the Christmas episode of Eastenders. Effigy of Brexit voter to be burned at conclusion of the meal. Prize for the best bow tie / retro spectacles combination. £319 per person. Surcharge for white meat. Crackers extra.

Sport:  Residents of the Clement Attlee Estate will be holding their traditional festive steeplechase, in which participants attempt to evade a heavily armed police SWAT team trying to reclaim 3000 Playstations and iPads stolen from homes in more prosperous parts of the borough during the run-up to Christmas. At least one police van to be burned at conclusion of the event. Free entry, but 50p corkage charge per can of Tennent’s Extra benefits community bail fund.

Other festive highlights include Wino Carol Singing (Parental Guidance: lyrics may depart from original biblical content), an all-day naked Beckett marathon from the Dalston People’s Theatre and a one-man show featuring local author Iain Sinclair banging on about how the area was miles better when everyone was poor and had rickets.

 

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