Boxing Day sees the long-anticipated inaugural meeting of the Dalston and Homerton Hunt, an event that promises to bring much-needed upper-class sophistication to an area blighted by so many Labour voters.
This stylish orgy of cruelty will commence at 10:00am in the car park behind Matalan, where mulled Special Brew will be served to fortify participating riders against the carnage to come.
At 10:05am a captive hipster will be released on London Fields and the hunt will be on. Horses are in short supply in Dalston at this time of year, so huntsmen and followers are reminded to bring their Oyster cards to the event. Mopeds are also acceptable. Hounds will be provided by the Clement Attlee Estate Bullmastiff breeders club, who are also official suppliers of crystal meth to the hunt committee.
The kill is expected to take place as early as 11:00am as the quarry will be equipped only with a unicycle and a maddening sense of entitlement. And, probably, a stupid beard.
The humane evisceration of the quarry – which is expected to last a good fifteen minutes at least – will be followed by a lavish hunt ball. This will take place at Greggs the Baker and is likely to spill over into neighbouring streets and gardens when the ale really kicks in.
Carriages at midnight. Armed police will escort remaining revellers to their cells by 1:00am, following the traditional festive baton charge.