Friends and colleagues of a local poet have told the Mercury they fear he is determined to become the final celebrity fatality of 2016 in a protest against austerity or cuts or something.
Lionel Ebb is a well-known Marxist verse-polemicist, occasional Guardian columnist and author of the world’s most depressing children’s book, Everyone Dies, Especially Your Mummy, which has been banned in 86 countries, including this one. It remains a best-seller throughout Scandinavia.
His friends are concerned that Mr Ebb, 69, believes that the celebrities claimed by the reaper this year, although great in number, are ‘possessed of insufficient political gravitas to end, through their deaths, the social iniquities of the moribund status quo’ and that he must die before New Year’s Eve in order to bring down the Tories. Or Trident. Or possibly Celebrity Master Chef, which he hates.
Mr Ebb, who is unfortunately in excellent health for a man his age, has been attempting to end his life by reading the letters page of the Daily Telegraph – an activity that has seen him hospitalised twice in the past – and by going out in the cold without a vest.
He had considered booking himself into Switzerland’s Dignitas clinic but decided against that course of action ‘out of loyalty to the NHS and its junior doctors in their on-going struggle against the pitiless advance of global capitalism and the attendant fascistic hordes of government-imposed privatisation, plus the…’ etc, etc.
In a final desperate attempt to die on schedule, Mr Ebb has undertaken to watch video recordings of every one of Donald Trump’s campaign speeches from the last year in the certain belief that if their political content doesn’t kill him the sub-primary school standard of grammar and syntax definitely will.
We asked Mr Ebb why he didn’t just wait for Jeremy Corbyn to usher-in a new socialist utopia, but that made him burst into tears and try to drink a bottle of bleach.