Dalston Magistrates’ Court has opened in emergency session today as authorities struggle to cope with a tsunami of Christmas-related domestic incidents, most of which have involved ‘death, disfigurement or, at least, a bloody good hiding’.
First in the dock this morning was Mr Colin Mild, 52.
Mr Mild, a charity worker and former Franciscan friar, was accused of hospitalising eleven members of his family – all children – after being exposed to five consecutive days of remorseless bleeping from ‘innumerable’ multi-media devices. These were activated on Christmas morning and have not been turned off since.
Most of the victims are currently ‘stable’ following surgery, but one fourteen-year-old is still awaiting the procedure that will remove a Playstation 4 and two iPods from his cranium. He is making do with a Samsung Galaxy until then.
The presiding magistrate Mrs Flora Goodwill let Mr Mild off with three minutes of community service, in the discharge of which he had to fetch the magistrate a double espresso and a couple of aspirin from the court canteen.
Unusually, Magistrate Mrs Goodwill is herself up before the court later today on a charge of ‘battery and exceptionally foul language in a public place’.
This follows a period of four days during which Mrs Goodwill’s husband insisted on ‘reading out the best bits’ from the 2016 Private Eye annual and ‘quoting the funniest parts’ from his new boxed-set of Monty Python films in the manner of all middle-aged British men at Christmas. He also watched Zulu 12 times on Boxing Day.
Mr Goodwill is currently undergoing an emergency Life-of-Brianectomy at Dalston Royal Infirmary. He is reported to be ‘not bloody laughing now, I can tell you’.
Cases in a similar vein are scheduled until August.