Dalston In Diplomatic Rift With ‘Malodorous Cultural Desert’ Hull

An unseemly row has broken out between the Dalston mayor’s office and council authorities in Hull, the nation’s newly crowned City of Culture for 2017.

‘Jesus wept,’ mayor Selina Marr told a party of journalists at her annual New Year drinks reception yesterday, ‘I mean, Hull? Bloody Hull? City of Culture?

‘Culture?’

Hull!?’

The mayor went on to query – quite volubly, we thought – whether twelve months of sea shanties and haddock juggling constituted culture, and she dismissed Philip Larkin as a ‘boring, bald onanist’ who ‘hid in a ghastly provincial library writing dirty limericks for 30 years’.

After another few Malibu and Cokes Mrs Marr decided to expound at length her theory that the closest thing to culture ever to emerge from Hull was Maureen Lipman’s autobiography ‘and whatever incomprehensible filth they sing at rugby league matches’.

hull
Hull yesterday – crowds cue for tickets to Tristan & Isolde performed by the Dockers & Fish Trades Operatic Society and Kazoo Orchestra (picture and caption supplied by Dalston Town Hall)

Suggesting that the highlight of the City of Culture celebrations was likely to be ‘an exhibition of John Prescott’s framed y-fronts in a dockyard curry house’ Mrs Marr called on the government to award future events only to ‘places where house prices exceed the value of a second-hand Vauxhall Astra’ and which ‘don’t smell like scampi’.

After Mrs Marr was put to bed by concerned aides, journalists attending the reception helpfully got on the blower to the Hull Daily Mail with a verbatim transcript of the mayor’s colourful views on this year’s City of Culture.

The Lord Mayor and council leader of Hull have promised to deliver ‘a right twatting’ to Mrs Marr and are planning to impose trade sanctions on Dalston. At least, that’s what we think they said because, y’know, the accent and everything…

 

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