Labour party headquarters, Cloud Cuckoo Land: Jeremy Corbyn has told the BBC he would like to see a cap put on the amount people can earn.
The killjoy Labour party leader asked ‘Why would someone need to earn more than £50m a year?’ and described footballers’ salaries as ‘ridiculous’.
He then went on to reveal that, in addition to salaries, a Labour government would ‘ration the amount of fun people can have’ in any given 24-hour period and would limit the number of sexual encounters a senior manager could enjoy to ‘a swift bunk-up on a Sunday morning plus a sly quickie on bank holidays’. Shop floor workers would have the same government-sanctioned nookie entitlement as their bosses, only they’d have to do it with slightly uglier wives.
Labour MPs have responded to their leader’s latest initiative by jumping off bridges and slamming their own heads repeatedly in car doors.
Dalston, here, just outside the office: The failure of broadband and phone networks in the Dalston area yesterday lead to the near collapse of Post Office services as thousands of teenagers had to resort to the Royal Mail in order to send photographs of their genitals to one another.
‘It was worse than Christmas,’ said one postal worker too traumatised to be named, ‘we was knee deep at the depot. Couldn’t hardly move for muff by lunchtime.’
Several Tory MPs were also affected by the technical problems, with one senior cabinet member reduced to hand-delivering pictures of his endowment to tabloid journalists masquerading as nubile party activists.