The Kremlin has today denied claims in the US media that Russian intelligence agencies have obtained compromising video footage of Donald Trump. As they would.
However, the Dalston Mercury via our Moscow bureau, has gained exclusive access to the incendiary Trump tapes.
It has been reported in other media that the footage shows the president-elect consorting with prostitutes. We can reveal that the truth is much more damaging to Mr Trump and is likely to derail his presidency even before it has begun.
The grainy video footage, shot some years ago in a New York hotel, clearly shows Mr Trump holding a civil, articulate conversation with Mexicans. Toward the end of the tape he can clearly be seen being respectful to a party of women and not trying to grab any of them by the genitals.
Throughout, Mr Trump demonstrates tact, self-deprecating humour, a balanced world view and clear evidence that he is in touch with his feminine side. Also, his grammar and syntax are excellent. At no point in the tape does he attempt to defraud anybody through the medium of a ersatz educational establishment.
A spokesman for Mr Trump, who was too shocked to be named, told the Mercury: ‘That’s it, man! Game over!’
‘If the American people had wanted to vote for some fag who got on with people and spoke English above a third grade level they wouldn’t have voted for Donald, would they?
‘The people wanted a filthy-minded nepotist who hates women and holds the constitution and the rule of law in utter contempt. The American public demanded a sort of white Robert Mugabe, and that’s exactly what they got when they voted for Donald.
‘Or so they thought. God knows what they’re gonna think when this gets out!’
We tried to contact Mr Trump for comment but were told he was helping out at a women’s refuge, as he does every Wednesday. Later he will be helping to find homes for kittens before spending a couple of hours practicing with his Mariachi band. (He plays those big maracas, apparently.)