Dalston’s transport chiefs are preparing for an evening of chaos on the road and rail networks tonight as a light dusting of snow threatens the very survival of the capital.
‘Yeah,’ said the head of Dalston Buses, Ray Oyster, ‘we have a well rehearsed contingency plan that sweeps into operation as soon as snow falls anywhere, in any quantity, on our area of operations. It’s been tried and tested over many years and it works. It makes you proud to be British, it really does.
‘First of all we lock all the buses in the depot and tell the drivers to go home for three weeks. In the interest of public safety, obviously.
‘Then, when we’re safely in the pub, we phone our colleagues at Dalston Trains to make sure all rail and tube services have also been crippled by the light sleet shower which, by that time, will have brought the entire capital to its knees.
‘Even if the sun comes out tomorrow it’ll take about a month to sort out various infrastructural issues caused by what we like to call ‘the blizzard conditions’. All-in-all we plan to be back up-to-speed by around March, weather permitting. Or July if it’s still a bit parky outside and we don’t fancy it much.’
The Prime Minister is due to chair a meeting of the Cobra emergency committee in Downing Street if any frozen precipitation at all falls within the M25 this month. More that three flakes in the greater London area will trigger the automatic suspension of schools, and hospitals will be closed to all patients except pensioners, every one of whom is expected to patriotically break a hip in the treacherous arctic conditions.