Dalston Man Holds Fate Of The US ‘And Gwyneth Paltrow’s Spare Underwear’ In His Hands

Donald Trump is facing a new threat to his presidency today after a Dalston hotelier claimed to possess compromising video footage of the president-elect consorting naked with Gwyneth Paltrow and ‘some slags from the estate’.

Mr Benny Enteritis, a chicken shop entrepreneur and celebrated local sex pest, has recently turned his council flat into a B&B. It was here that the alleged presidential impropriety took place during one of Mr Trump’s frequent business trips to the area.

‘Yeah,’ Mr Enteritis told the Mercury, ‘obviously we video everything that goes on in the rooms, especially the Queen Elizabeth suite, because there’s a lot of villains about and some of the duvets are nearly new.

‘I’m not easily shocked, but I was astonished to see the footage of Mr Trump, my then-lover Gwyneth Paltrow, big Glenda from the bookies, her sister, my auntie Joyce and that Polish bird from Greggs, at it.

palatial-bedroom
The palatial Queen Elizabeth suite of the Dalston Enteritis Sheraton Hotel

‘At it, they was. At it like there was no tomorrow. I’ve been in enough prison shower blocks to know what depravity looks like, and that bloody well looked like depravity to me. No wonder he walks funny, Donald, going on like that.’

Mr Enteritis says he is willing to hand over the tape to the president-elect free of charge, but will require ‘significant remuneration’ to pay for the trauma counselling he requires after seeing where big Glenda was putting that ceramic bust of Vladimir Putin.

We tried to contact Gwyneth Paltrow for comment but Mr Enteritis says he’s lost her number. And, in any case, he doesn’t need it since he binned her for Anne Hathaway and her out of  Hollyoaks with the legs.

 

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