After black and ethnic minority students at SOAS claimed not to feel comfortable being taught by old white professors, white professors at prestigious Dalston University are campaigning to have the ethnic make-up of their students changed.
‘Yeah,’ said Dr Keithly Liverbird, the Cecil Rhodes Professor of Colonial Guilt Studies at the University, ‘I can’t tell you how oppressed I feel every time I look out over my class of privileged, entitled caucasian scum who – you can just tell – are only at university so they can go on to impose rapine and cultural appropriation on the helpless body of mother Africa.
‘I mean, I’ve got a mate who teaches law at the LSE; all her students are black or asian. Where are my black and asian students, eh? How am I supposed to relate to the imperialist thieves and murderers in my classes? I’ve got dreadlocks for God’s sake! I deserve brown students!’
We suggested to Dr Liverbird that a childhood spent in Tunbridge Wells and her Roedean education might have prepared her, at least in part, to deal with middle class white people, but that just set her off again.
She began some sort of primitive dance intended to assuage the ancestral grief of nations blighted by the slave trade before she pinned our reporter to the wall and demanded to know what he was doing about female genital mutilation.
We attempted to console her with the observation that some of her students were Chinese, at least, but apparently they don’t count as ‘properly ethnic’ because they’re ‘too rich’.
There’s also a black student from Hackney Wick, but he’s ‘hardly black at all and, in any case, he likes Coldplay and voted for Brexit’, according to Dr Liverbird.