As more Democrat congressmen say they will boycott the inauguration of incoming US president Donald Trump on Friday, organisers of the event are secretly planning to pare back the size and grandeur of the ceremony to ‘a scale more appropriate to Mr Trump’s popularity’.
The president-elect’s team have struggled to persuade A-list music stars to perform at the event. They have also struggled to attract B- and C-list music stars to perform at the event. Recently they gave up trying to attract Z-list music stars to perform at the event and moved on to obscure letters from foreign alphabets. They have hopes that a ψ-list Abyssinian nose flute player may be available. Failing that, a ß-list death metal band from Trondheim may play on condition of strict anonymity and money up front.
Rather than the traditional platform outside the Capitol building filled with lawmakers, judges, world leaders and global celebrities of stage, screen and concert hall, the event will now take place in a Starbucks around the corner.
Given the number of congressional non-attendees it seems probable Mr Trump will have to swear himself in, although a bible will be provided. Or, at least, a book of some description. A local wedding photographer has been booked to cover the event, as the world’s media don’t seem keen.
Vladimir Putin, Mr Trump’s friend and sometime lover, had offered to hold the entire shindig in Moscow, with bands and soldiers and hookers and everything, but even Mr Trump was smart enough to see how that might look.