The diplomatic world has been thrown into panic this morning after White House officials made public the shocking fact that Donald Trump does not drink.
‘God almighty,’ said one British embassy source as he hurriedly packed to leave Washington DC, ‘he doesn’t drink? Not at all?!
‘You’ve read his tweets; you’ve heard his speeches; you’ve seen the way he walks.
‘We just assumed he was drunk all the time. Either that or on some kind of powerful horse tranquiliser.
‘The official position of Her Majesty’s government was to hope that, y’know, when he took office he might sober up a bit. Become a bit – how to phrase this diplomatically? – a bit less of a gibbering tosspot.
‘God help us if the pressure of the presidency forces him to hit the bottle. I thought we were in trouble before this news broke – now I know we’re screwed.’
Shares in European and Asian defence companies soared on the news that the president-elect has not, as was previously believed, been out of his gourd on Malibu these past few months. Every nation on earth is reportedly rushing to re-arm.
Ironically, sales of strong drink have also rocketed, not least among members of the White House staff and employees of this newspaper.