‘Eat Kale Or Die!’ – Dalston Publican Goes Mad / Gets Rich

Dalston’s most self-consciously middle-class pub, the Lambent Whelk, is to launch an entirely new menu based on the indisputable scientific principle of ‘clean eating’.

‘Yeah,’ said the pub’s owner and executive nutritionist Mr Gideon Porter-Seabass, ‘I was, like, totally inspired by that Horizon programme about clean eating this week. It was a real wake-up call for us here at the Whelk.’

The principles of clean eating – which, like all important lifestyle innovations these days, were devised by soulless, greedy Americans with fake PhDs – mean avoiding processed food, grain and meat while eating lots of grated vegetables and going ‘Om’ a lot.

The effects on the body of a ‘clean’ diet include developing an unbearable air of superiority followed by rapid weight loss and an early death. Among its advocates only Gwyneth Paltrow has survived into middle age. Alas.

‘Because we care so much about the health of our customers,’ Mr Porter-Seabass told the Mercury, ‘we will do almost anything to lighten their wallets – heavy wallets being the number one cause of chiropractic distress in the Western world.

‘So our new menu replaces all that toxic meat and pastry, bread, puddings etc with carrots. Raw, obviously.

carrots
Carrots. (Mud costs extra)

‘And because we have to interview the carrots individually before the grating process can begin – in order to confirm each vegetable’s absolute commitment to the wellbeing of our customers – a starter of shredded roots served with a glass of bespoke water comes to £19.50. Which is a bit of a result. For us. And the punters. But mainly us.’

The Lambent Whelk’s Radish Wednesday event earlier this week was a huge hit, with bovine cretins queuing around the block to be ripped-off in the manner traditional to Dalston foodies.

Some sort of celery-fest is also threatened. Advance booking recommended (as is a trip to McDonald’s afterwards).

 

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