Bernie Eccleston To Keep Dalston Race Slaughter ‘To A Manageable Level’

The Dalston motor racing fraternity has reacted with joy and spontaneous burn-ups to news that Formula 1 supremo Bernie Ecclestone has been ousted from the position he has held in the sport for the last 117 years.

‘Yeah,’ said Dalston Grand Prix organiser Mr Stirling Testarossa on hearing the news, ‘this is a potentially life saving development for motor racing in the Dalston area, what, with all the recent carnage and everything.’

The starting grid of last year’s Dalston Grand Prix

Mr Testarossa hopes to recruit Mr Ecclestone to the organising committee of the Dalston Grand Prix and its associated events, the Haggerston Festival of Speed and the Stoke Newington-to-Dakar Rally.

‘We think Bernie would be the ideal man to take Dalston motor sports to the next level,’ said Mr Testarossa.

‘Our main problems have always been a lack of funds and a surfeit of horrifying accidents. We can work around the shortage of cash, but the body count is really getting beyond a joke.

‘So we need someone who can raise huge piles of wonga while simultaneously making our sport so dull as to be unwatchable. And nobody does that better than Bernie.’

Mr Testarossa also hopes that Mr Ecclestone will help Dalston GP expand into exciting new overseas territories such as Papua New Guinea, North Korea and the Yemen.

‘Obviously,’ said Mr Testarossa, ‘the days of running events in countries with an established audience for motor racing and long history in the sport are over.

‘The future lies in tin-pot dictatorships that will pony-up so their tyrannical potentates can bask in the reflected glory of global TV coverage. Only Bernie Eccleston and FIFA have really grasped this important point, and we want in.’

Mr Testarossa – who holds a world record for having accumulated over 4000 points on his driving licence – hopes Mr Ecclestone will agree to join the Dalston GP organisation later this week. In anticipation the office is already being refitted with furniture borrowed from a primary school. (Mr Eccleston is 198 years old, two foot three and believed to be part hobbit.)


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