Donald Trump’s ambassador to Dalston has welcomed the US president’s assertion that waterboarding ‘works’. He believes the White House plans to use other innovative techniques to level the playing field in the war against terror.
‘Sure, why not?’ Mr Eugene Oregon told the Mercury this morning. ‘Waterboarding absolutely works, because the president says it does, and we have to learn from these goddamn murderous Islamists if we’re ever gonna wipe out the sons of bitches.’
In addition to waterboarding Mr Oregon believes other medieval practices will assist the US in demonstrating the moral superiority of the democratic system to nations of the developing world.
‘Yeah,’ he said, ‘I mean Isis have shown us that throwing homosexuals off tall buildings works. We could try that. We have plenty of tall buildings after all. And no shortage of homosexuals either. Outside of Texas at least.
‘And televised executions – they work. We have them already, only we call them talent shows. Simon Cowell could host! Prime time, baby! The ratings would be awesome.’
Mr Oregon also advocates burning pilots in cages and supports institutionalised sexual slavery and public stonings of anyone who looks like a Democrat; ideally during the Superbowl half-time show.
Breaking News: White House sources have requested that media outlets hold off from publishing stories about Mr Trump’s enthusiasm for waterboarding until they are absolutely certain he doesn’t think the practice involves Russian prostitutes with limited bladder control. Because they think he might.