The US ambassador to Dalston, Mr Eugene Oregon, has called on local law makers to adopt Donald Trump’s policies on immigrants travelling to the borough from rogue states.
‘Yeah,’ Mr Oregon told the Mercury this morning, ‘any great nation – or obscure London borough for that matter – is only as strong as the heavily armed psychopaths manning its borders.
‘I have proposed to mayor Selina Marr that she immediately impose a series of ill-thought-out, arbitrary and counterproductive bans on all kinds of totally harmless people attempting to enter Dalston. The bastards.’
‘This courageous act of lunacy will make her universally loathed and mistrusted, and with good reason.
‘But on the other hand she will look like a real hard-ass, and that’s the important thing when you’re actually a yellow, draft-dodging bedwetter who’s afraid of stairs. Not that I know anyone like that.’
Mr Oregon advocates a total ban on residents of Camden and Tower Hamlets entering Dalston airspace unless they have been thoroughly waterboarded first. And then sent home.
Under other White House proposals, hipsters and domestic animals attempting entry across the porous Islington border will be mercilessly strafed. Anyone who cannot prove active membership of the Church of England will be rounded-up and held indefinitely at bus stops – to absolutely no purpose whatever – in order to bring Dalston into line with current American policy.
We contacted the White House for comment but everyone was busy in the ball pool or making dinosaurs out of Play-Doh.