Washington DC, Home of the Damned: Following global condemnation of a White House statement commemorating International Holocaust Remembrance Day that omitted any mention of Jews or antisemitism, a spokesman for Donald Trump has clarified the president’s position on the Nazi death camps.
According to Mr Trump some Jews ‘were almost certainly involved’ in the holocaust and some ‘may even have been innocent of whatever it was they were convicted of. Which is a real shame, believe me. Nobody has more respect for Jews than I do. I have so much respect for them – ask anyone – and my respect is so, so good, let me tell you. It’s the best, really.’
The White House spokesman also confirmed that Mr Trump’s respect for the Jewish people in no way conflicts with his undying admiration for Adolf Hitler. Also, he likes bagels.
Washington DC, Secret Underwater Lair of Bond Villains: Donald Trump’s sacking of Attorney General Sally Yates has inspired hundreds of other senior bureaucrats to flee the new administration by giving an impression that they are competent, principled and capable of independent thought.
‘It’s either that or throw myself under a bus,’ said one long-time State Department staffer too traumatised to be named. ‘I’m going to sit down at my desk, work hard, act according to my conscience and wait for the presidential boot to set me free. Please, God, let it be soon.’
Sally Yates is reportedly already on the plane to Aruba where she is leading a conga line of other White House escapees. Strong drink may have been taken.
London, England, Bloody Arcadia in Comparison: Her Majesty the Queen has locked herself in the crypt of St James’s Palace and is refusing to come out until someone guarantees she will never have to shake Donald Trump by the tiny hand or have to sit next to him at dinner.
Courtiers and the Prime Minister have assured Her Majesty that the royal pussy will remain inviolate throughout Mr Trump’s proposed state visit, but the Queen’s not buying it.
She’s also worried about the fate of the Buckingham Palace bed linen, what, with Mr Trump’s ‘proclivities’ and everything.