Hopes that the resignation of Peter Capaldi might lead to the richly deserved death of Doctor Who have been dashed today, as rival special-interest groups lobby to have one of their own installed as the new Doctor.
Mr Capaldi is leaving the hit BBC show at Christmas, presumably because the scripts long since disappeared into the sucking void of their writers’ egotism and hubris and a once watchable children’s TV programme has become an exhausting exercise in hysterical, emotionally incontinent rambling bollocks. With Daleks.
There. We said it.
But instead of either letting the series die or returning to the noble tradition of dressing up men in lumpy rubber suits and making them chase Tom Baker through a gravel quarry outside Watford, the casting of the new Doctor has become a popular political rallying point.
Feminists were first to the barricades: according to this morning’s Guardian, unless the new Doctor is a woman the BBC will have proved themselves to be the Boko Haram of broadcasting.
Boko Haram are insisting the new Doctor be a Muslim but, as the Koran forbids the creation of graven images, all characters will have to be represented by attractive tile-work featuring abstract tessellations. Although these restrictions may inhibit plot and character development they will definitely benefit the BBC’s inclusivity agenda and are being discussed seriously at Broadcasting House.
The transgender community is currently in conflict with the British Union of Drag Queens, with both groups insistent that a member of their own group would best suit the role of the body-shifting Time Lord. The transgender lobby claims that their members have, like Doctor Who, experienced actual physical transformation, whereas the drag queens point out that the Doctor, like them, still has a penis. The gays lost interest when Matt Smith left the role.
Peter Capaldi is hoping to return to roles with ‘much more swearing’ and less ‘poncing about dressed like Oscar-bloody-Wilde’. The producers of Doctor Who offered Mr Capaldi the opportunity to say ‘suck my sweaty balls’ in a broad Glaswegian accent during the Christmas special if he would stay with the show, but he declined.