Scotland, Graveyard of the Labour Party: There were celebrations in Scotland today after major supermarkets announced they are to begin rationing vegetables due to a Europe-wide shortage.
Poor growing conditions in Spain mean that sales of iceberg lettuce and broccoli are being restricted, with customers only able to purchase two lettuces or three heads of broccoli at a time.
Three heads of broccoli is more than Scotland managed to consume during the whole of 2016, and the good news is that customers will soon be faced with restrictions on purchases of courgettes, tomatoes and aubergines too.
No Scottish person has ever eaten an aubergine, but the fact that they have been available at all is seen by most Scots as a wilful provocation and an attempt by the Westminster government to impose cultural hegemony on the country.
Nicola Sturgeon says that vegetables make a second independence referendum more likely.
She also says that trees, sky and the laughter of innocent children make a second independence referendum more likely.
The Bank of England, London: The Governor and the Monetary Policy Committee of the Bank of England are to be banned from making any future predictions on the economy after being marked ‘0/10, See Me!‘ on their last fifteen growth forecasts.
From now on Mark Carney and his mathematically-challenged colleagues will only be allowed to predict things that have already happened.
Early results are promising: ‘We had a go at predicting the result of the 1997 FA Cup Final,’ one senior bank official told the Mercury, ‘and we almost got it right. Not the score exactly, but we forecast that at least one of the teams would be wearing shorts, and they were. So that’s pretty good, all told…’
After being given some extra help with adding-up and taking-away, the committee will attempt to predict the outcome of the Crimean War and whether 1967 has happened yet.