Heavy metal pioneers Black Sabbath are to play their final live show tonight after a career spanning five decades.
American evangelists have long campaigned to have the group banned from the US, claiming its four members were created in hell by Beelzebub himself. Actually, they were born in Birmingham, which is far worse.
The band’s members – who remained the personification of evil throughout their illustrious careers – had to overcome many set-backs during their time together.
Guitarist Tony Iommi famously lost the tips of two fingers in a welding accident and was forced to make his own prosthetic devices in order to continue playing.
Bassist Geezer Butler severed both arms during a drug-fuelled exhibition of machete juggling and has, for the last 20 years, had to play guitar with his teeth.
Singer Ozzy Osbourne, similarly, has had to overcome adversity throughout his career. He died in 1983 but was too drunk to notice. His band mates didn’t like to mention it and have stoically put up with the stench of rotting carrion ever since. Meanwhile, drummer Bill Ward was never actually conceived at all, making his fifty-year career all the more remarkable, especially to his mother.
And, despite being responsible for all the evil in the world and for single-handedly delaying The Rapture, musicologists are unanimous in their assertion that the band is still preferable in every conceivable way to Kanye West, Taylor Swift and Justin-bloody-Bieber. End of.