Diane Abbott ‘Still Clinging To Life’ – The News In Brief

London, Day Five:  The country continues its silent vigil today as one of the nation’s foremost advocates of democracy, equality and buns hovers in that crepuscular realm between life and death.

Diane Abbott MP, who was struck down seconds before last Wednesday’s House of Commons article 50 vote, continues to defy the predictions of eminent medical authorities by resolutely refusing to croak despite her life-threatening headache and ruinous Hobnob intake.

Nonetheless, experts fear the saucy Marxist poster-girl may yet succumb to her condition, and a piano crate has been procured for the period of lying-in-state. A bloody big piano crate.


Washington DC, Twinned With Moscow:  After first establishing beyond all doubt that Donald Trump knows absolutely nothing about cricket, the US president has signed an executive order making Steve Bannon the new captain of the England team.

Mr Trump didn’t realise what he was signing, and has no understanding of the long term implications of his actions, which is totally in line with current White House practice.

england-selectors
England selectors meet to appoint the new national team captain

Outgoing England captain Alastair Cook said of Mr Bannon’s appointment: ‘Successful England captains of the past have variously been opening batsmen, middle order batsmen, seam bowlers, spinners, all-rounders and wicket keepers. But we’ve never tried a complete c**t before.

‘You never know, though – it might work; that immigration thing seems to be going well, after all.’

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