Kylie Minogue ‘Not Involved’ In Dalston Transvestite Car Scam

Only hours after a trademark battle between Kylie Minogue and Kylie Jenner came to an end, another equally catty and nauseating nomenclature-centred conflict has erupted, this time in Dalston.

The disputed name at the centre of the case is ‘Keith’, which is claimed as an exclusive international copyright by both Mr Keith Trotter of Hair by Keith International, and Mr Keith Calhoun of Keith’s Panel Beating and Clocking Services Ltd, both of the Clement Attlee Estate, Dalston.

Mr Calhoun, like Ms Jenner, found fame as a reality TV star thanks to Channel 5’s Hard Men: Broadmoors’s Serial Escapees.

He told the Mercury: ‘I definitely registered the brand ‘Keith’ – the name by which I am universally known and feared – with the Dalston Office of Trademarks and Patents. It is a fundamental part of my identity and its unauthorised association with a hairdressing enterprise is, quite frankly, making me look a right nonce.’

Mr Trotter, however, claims that his international reputation as a singing star entitles him to exclusive ownership of the Keith brand.

‘I had audiences eating out of my hand, darling,’ he told the Mercury over a complimentary scalp massage, ‘as The Fabulous Keith I often performed as high as third on the bill at Molly Moggs International Cabaret of Exotica on Charing Cross Road.

‘My Wednesday lunchtime Streisand Spectacular became the stuff of legend. A pie and a pint and my calypso version of Evergreen for a fiver… marvelous times, darling. Marvelous.’

The Fabulous Keith performs his much requested ‘Send in the Clowns’ (dubstep mix)

However, Mr Calhoun counters Mr Trotter’s claim by asserting that, in addition to illegal car repair services, he plans to attach the Keith brand to ‘perfumes and toiletries, music and sound recordings, live entertainment, jewellery, dolls and toys, and printed matter such as magazines and books’.

‘Plus,’ said Mr Calhoun, ‘insurance jobs, people trafficking, a bespoke hit-man service, crystal meth distribution and a bit of high class prostitution, if I can talk my Aunty Glenda back into it.’

The case continues.


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