John Bercow To Hide In A Box Until The World Becomes A Nice Place

Speaker of the House of Commons, the famously self-abasing, publicity-shy John Bercow, emboldened by his sudden celebrity status among American entertainers, is to propose banning more things not remotely within his remit.

On Monday Mr Bercow voiced his opposition to Donald Trump addressing parliament on the grounds that he didn’t approve of everything the US president says or does.

Mr Bercow is following current UK university guidelines which insist only visiting speakers with whom absolutely everyone agrees be allowed to address students. The Speaker aims to make the Houses of Parliament a nice ‘safe space’ in which no mean people will ever say stuff that will upset small children or Harriet Harman.

john-bercow
Mr and Mrs John Bercow yesterday (he’s standing on a box)

During particularly heated debates Mr Bercow will invite MPs to insert their fingers in their ears, close their eyes and cry ‘ner ner, ner ner‘ loudly until all the unpleasantness has gone away and it’s time for buns.

Critics have suggested to Mr Bercow – who is handicapped by having an unusually entertaining wife – that attempting to ‘no-platform’ the president of the United States might be massively counterproductive, even if he is a bit of a tit.

Mr Bercow, however, continues to insist that ‘stifling debate is definitely the way to go for parliamentary democracy. Plus, free speech is over-rated and only nice people are allowed to have opinions.’

 

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