Prestigious Dalston University (previously the East London College of Remedial Learning and Basket Weaving) has launched a new scheme aimed at teaching students how to eat food, following record numbers of deaths on campus caused by starvation.
The scheme, which is aimed specifically at millennials among the student body, begins with a foundation course on ‘inserting food into the mouth’ before moving on to ‘basic chewing techniques’ and a more advanced ‘swallowing stuff’ module.
The advent of Instagram has been blamed by members of the faculty for the unusually high numbers of emaciated students dropping dead at the university.
‘They spend so long taking pictures of their damn lunch,’ explained one lecturer, ‘that they’ve lost the knack of actually eating it.’
‘We’re seeing an entire generation completely proficient at ordering four-day-smoked pulled pork on a gluten-free brioche bun served with a heritage tomato and balsamic salad, but who don’t have a clue what to do with it after taking a picture to share with their followers.
‘By the time they’ve got the lighting right and have organised their witless friends to make ‘V’ signs in the background, they’ve forgotten what they came in for.
‘Last week, one girl actually went into a diabetic coma and died face down in her organic guinea fowl and quinoa tabouleh. If she’d just inhaled while she was down there she might have lived but, tragically, she didn’t even survive long enough to post the picture of her starter on Pinterest.’
According to phone service providers, if current trends continue, photographs of uneaten meals threaten to outnumber naked selfies and close-ups of genitalia posted by millennial customers. This is a development that further alarms university authorities.
‘God help us if the little sods lose interest in sex too,’ said one staff member, ‘if it wasn’t for fellatio half these bloody kids wouldn’t be eating anything at all.’
In addition to the university’s core ‘Eat Food and Survive’ program, an introductory course in ‘fork recognition’ is offered to students under the age of 35. Also, there’s ‘napkin-ology’ for anyone from the north.