Channel 4 ‘Now Killing More People Than Isis’ – Government Statistics

Rival broadcasters are racing to develop new, ever more lethal reality TV shows after Sir Bradley Wiggins became the 100th celebrity killed while filming Channel 4’s The Jump.

Sir Bradley, who died after being eaten by a bear during snowcross training, told the Mercury: ‘Obviously, I’m absolutely gutted to have been mauled to death by that polar bear.

‘I had been hoping to make it through to the later stages of the show so I could be fatally injured during a ski-jump, like Olympic gymnast Beth Tweddle. Or, if not actually killed, I aspired to be left a helpless paraplegic like most former contestants.’

the-jump
Sir Bradley (centre) with other recently eaten celebrities who also got dressed in the dark

The Jump was devised by Channel 4 producers as a means of culling narcissistic celebrities approaching their sell-by date.

Tabloid newspapers have been fully supportive of the channel’s methods and are believed to supply producers of the show with an annual list of has-beens they would like to see killed or crippled or simply abandoned to the wilderness with no hope of return.

‘It makes perfect commercial sense,’ said one red-top editor who did not want to be named, ‘the cost of doorstepping Kerry Katona alone runs into millions each year.

‘Much better for everyone if she were to fall off an alp or get stuck in a glacier or something like that; pecked to death by penguins… I dunno. Just out of our hair.’

The BBC is rumoured to be developing its own Saturday teatime show in which former soap stars attempt to dodge Russian bombs as they race to reach the Isis capital of Raqqa dressed either as Salman Rushdie or Quentin Crisp.

ITV are planning a programme where retired boy band members are turned into charcoal briquettes. Robbie Williams is to be compelled – by an Act of Parliament if necessary – to take part.

 

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