Pandas Slain In JK Rowling Eurovision Spat (It Says Here) – The News In Brief

New York City, New York, City, York New, York City, USA: The United Nations has become involved in the hugely grown-up and productive Twitter war between Piers Morgan and JK Rowling this morning.

Mr Morgan – a handsome and universally admired former newspaper editor – has been urged to send his ambassador and a negotiating team to Ms Rowling’s immense Gothic fortress on a hill outside Edinburgh. UN officials hope negotiations and a period of reflection may allow time for the two combatants to ‘grow the f*ck up a bit’.


London, England: Officials of the Bank of England have said they are unrepentant about releasing a new five-pound note containing small quantities of animal fat.

Despite protests from vegetarians, vegans and cows, a bank spokesman told the Mercury that ‘the world’s oldest national bank has no intention of caving to a load of hippies and a handful of barnyard animals’, and that, furthermore, the bank is to go ahead with plans to issue ‘new fifty pence coins made out of compressed kebab meat and a twenty-pound note flayed from the living flesh of blue whales. By pandas. Captive pandas’.

bank-of-england-pandas
Bank of England pandas undergo brutal anti-whale indoctrination yesterday

Kiev, Ukraine: Organisers of this year’s Eurovision Song Contest quit en masse yesterday when they suddenly realised what they had done.

A total of 21 top-level staff members resigned; 14 made straight for the nearest cliff and jumped off, while the other seven took holy orders in the hope that, through a lifetime of prayer and self-abasement, they may undo some small measure of the great evil they have imposed on mankind.

Music lovers worldwide have signed a petition saying the church thing is ‘not nearly good enough and they should get themselves over that bloody cliff, pronto’.

 

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